


Albus Potter and the Definitely Not Twilight Saga

by Aneiria



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Annoying Parents, Crack, Intrigue, M/M, Magical Creatures, Saving the World, Vampires, and Buffy, and blade, and ff7, crackfic, dealing with your vampire boyfriend, did i mention it's crackfic, responsible albus, unashamed references to twilight, vampire scorpius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:00:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26302339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aneiria/pseuds/Aneiria
Summary: 'I’d still totally rather bite your neck and drain your blood than anyone else’s…’Scorpius’ voice turned soft and tempting, and his eyes drifted down to Albus’ neck.Scorpius licked his lips.Albus sighed and turned away.This was certainly going to make life awkward.
Relationships: Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter
Comments: 11
Kudos: 44
Collections: HP Crack!Fic Fest





	Albus Potter and the Definitely Not Twilight Saga

**Author's Note:**

> HUGE thanks to my wonderful beta [Grace Lou Freebush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/grace_lou_freebush/pseuds/grace_lou_freebush) as always for sharing your time and helping me add some sparkle to this story. 
> 
> Thanks also to [Highlyintelligentblonde](https://highlyintelligentblonde.tumblr.com/) for taking a read through of this and giving me some pointers!
> 
> And to FangQueen, I owe you three thanks! Firstly for modding this wonderful fest and giving me a chance to stretch my comedy muscles, secondly for the amazing prompt that I had so much fun with, and finally for the ongoing support and reassurance during the whole fest - THANK YOU <3

####  I

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a parent faced with the misfortune of an offspring must indulge in some one-upping to keep him in his place. 

‘In my day, you couldn’t even come home for the holidays without finding the Dark Lord swooping around the Manor,’ Scorpius’ father, Draco, was fond of saying whenever Scorpius or Albus complained about anything in life. 

‘Couldn’t even finish your homework without him trying to kill you in some new, evil way,’ Albus’ father, Harry, would add nonchalantly, despite the fact that Albus and Scorpius were now in their early 20s and hadn’t even  _ had _ homework for several years. 

And their grandparents, if anything, were _worse_.

‘Oh, we had the original Voldemort when we were young,’ Arthur Weasley would say with an indulgent smile, wrapping his arm around Molly. ‘By the time we were your age, we were already in the Order, fighting the bad guys. You kids today, you’ve got it made.’

It was easy for them to say, wasn’t it? They’d lived through their own horrors, so they laboured under the disillusion that the world - now rid of Voldemort versions 1.0 and 2.0 - was safe once again.

But the world had never been safe, not really.

Before Voldemort, there had been Grindelwald, and after Voldemort, there was - 

The Vampire Illuminati. 

I know, I know. You couldn’t make it up. 

But, as Albus stood in a dingy, damp cavern facing three of the red-eyed bloodsuckers and another held his boyfriend in a rather threatening manner, sharp teeth bared menacingly, he almost wished they were facing Voldemort 3.0 instead.

‘Fuck,’ uttered Albus, eloquent as ever, his wand raised in front of him. 

It had seemed like a good idea, to explore the enormous cave system they’d found in an ancient forest in the Brecon Beacons while out searching for a Common Welsh Green that had reputedly been sighted in the skies above the Welsh hills. 

They hadn't been expecting to stumble right into a vampire lair, however. 

Albus racked his brain for a spell he could use to get them out of their predicament, wishing desperately that Rose Granger-Weasley and her enormous brain was with them right now. 

Scorpius whimpered and struggled in his captor’s arms, and Albus saw red. Rose’s voice echoed in his head, shouting about sunlight, and as the vampire holding Scorpius lowered his teeth to Scorpius’ neck, Albus brandished his wand to the sky.

‘ _ LUMOS SOLEM _ !’ Albus shouted with all his might, and he winced and closed his eyes as a bright burst of sunlight flooded the darkened chamber. 

There was an otherworldly screech from the vampires getting sunburn, and with a whoosh and a flash of black cloaks, they fled the cave, Scorpius crying out in pain and falling to the ground as he was released. Albus dashed towards Scorpius, grabbed hold of his arm and Apparated them away, back to Malfoy Manor, without a second thought. 

The Manor was empty, as far as Albus could tell. Scorpius had never bothered moving out of the Manor, nor Albus from Grimmauld Place. Not after their gap year that somehow turned into four - they both had inheritances and over-indulgent parents, after all - as they decided taking a few years out before getting some dreary job at the Ministry seemed like a good idea.

Albus and Scorpius stumbled through the heavy front doors now, Albus still propping Scorpius up. No doubt Scorpius’ father and Rose’s mother were on yet another date. Albus idly wondered where Draco had taken Hermione this time - Rome maybe, or perhaps Vienna? - as he dragged Scorpius along the halls to his room. 

‘It’s alright, Scorpius,’ Albus murmured encouragingly, worried about how much his boyfriend was leaning into him. Had he been injured in the tussle? As they turned into Scorpius’ room, Albus carefully sat Scorpius on the edge of the bed, summoning a tumbler of Firewhisky from the drinks trolley on the other side of the room.

‘Here, sweetheart,’ Albus said, handing Scorpius the glass of amber liquid. ‘Drink this.’ 

Scorpius reached out with a shaking hand, and when he turned his face up to look at Albus, Albus felt his heart stutter in shock.

‘Oh,  _ fuck _ ,’ Albus breathed out in horror. 

There was no change in Scorpius’ skin tone, but then he had always been as pale as those Muggle boys that lived indoors and played video games all the time. 

Scorpius’ eyes, however… Gone was the silvery-grey of the stormy sea or rain-laden skies that Albus could always spend hours staring into - so many hours that he had the colour memorised and could tell from a distance when the silver shade subtly changed according to Scorpius’ mood. 

Instead of silver, his irises were now a soft, glowing red. Even the whites of his eyes had a red tinge to them. As Albus stared in horror at his boyfriend’s eyes, Scorpius smiled awkwardly, and Albus could see how much his canine teeth had lengthened and sharpened. 

Albus groaned internally and sighed out loud. ‘You got bitten, didn’t you?’ 

Scorpius shrugged. ‘I think, maybe? There was quite a bit of blood at the end. And I do feel a bit… weird.’

‘Fucking Salazar’s  _ balls _ , your dad is going to kill me,’ Albus groaned. ‘This is unbelievable. So what, you have no reflection now? How the fuck are you going to cope?’

Scorpius’ eyes widened in horror. ‘Wait, what? No! Oh gods, does that mean no natural light either? HOW WILL I PREEN, ALBUS? HOW?’

Albus reached out to awkwardly pat his shoulder. ‘There, there, Scorp,’ he said as soothingly as he could despite his boyfriend now being a blood-sucking immortal being. ‘We’re still wizards, after all. I’m sure we can work something out.’

Scorpius sniffled unhappily but nodded. Then he visibly brightened. ‘Maybe I’m a daywalker, like Blade! Do you remember that bit when—’

‘Not now, Scorp,’ Albus pleaded. Scorpius could talk about every single _Blade_ film for hours if left to it. But then a horrible thought occurred to Albus from yet another vampire film Scorpius had made him watch. ‘Oh sweet Circe, what if you  _ sparkle in daylight _ .’

Scorpius’ eyes lit up in delight. ‘Ooh, I hope I do. Can we try it out in the morning? I want to sparkle like Edward! He looks just like Cedric Diggory, don’t you think? Your dad showed me a picture of him once. He was so handsome…’ Here Scorpius’ eyes glazed over slightly, and he stared dreamily off into the distance. 

Albus jabbed him sharply in the ribs. ‘I’m right here, you idiot,’ he chided him. ‘Don’t make me take back that vintage  _ Cedric Rules _ badge I got you. Or the _ Team Edward _ t-shirt.’ Scorpius’ eyes refocused and he looked back at Albus in alarm.

‘Sorry, Albus, I didn’t mean it; please don’t take them back! I’d still totally rather bite your neck and drain your blood than anyone else’s…’ 

Scorpius’ voice turned soft and tempting, and his eyes drifted down to Albus’ neck. 

Scorpius licked his lips. 

Albus sighed and turned away.

This was certainly going to make life awkward. 

####  II

Slowly but surely, they formed a plan to rid the world of the vampire coven they had discovered.

Back at the Manor a few days later, Albus placed the cardboard box of blood-flavoured lollipops from Honeydukes down on the table in the kitchen, reaching for his parchment and wand to tick that from his list.

‘Right, Scorp,’ Albus said absent-mindedly, his thoughts dwelling on other, more horrible things, like how to tell Scorpius’ father – his terrifying, ex-Death Eater, current Auror father – that Albus had managed to get his beloved only son turned into a vampire. Luckily, Draco was still wooing recently-divorced Hermione Granger with an impressive tenacity. They were in Reykjavik this time, according to Rose. 

Having the Manor to themselves gave Albus and Scorpius the space they needed to put their plan into action without any meddling parents bemoaning how things were so much worse when it was Voldemort they were plotting against.

Albus looked down at his parchment now, murmuring to himself as he ran through their to-do list. 

‘We need to work out the best place to conceal these so we can capture those vampires,’ Albus said, patting the box of blood-flavoured lollipops before turning his back on them and marching up and down the room with his parchment still in hand. ‘Lysander is bringing the cages, his mum has a load in their cellar for emergencies apparently -’ Albus turned around again as he was speaking, only to find Scorpius with bulging cheeks, guilty eyes, and about twenty lollipops stuffed in his mouth. ‘Scorpius!’ Albus cried out in frustration.

‘M’sorry, ‘lbus,’ Scorpius mumbled around the sweets. He gripped the sticks and awkwardly pulled them all out at once, his lips stained red. ‘They just taste so good, and I was hungry,’ he said apologetically, his eyes darting to Albus’ jugular, not for the first time that day. 

Albus took a careful step back.

‘I’ll go and have a look in your father’s potions store,’ Albus sighed. ‘I’m sure he’ll have some dragon’s blood you can have for now.’

Scorpius sank into one of his armchairs by the fire and nodded unhappily.

‘Thanks Albus.’ 

Lysander Scamander turned up later on, a stack of human-sized cages levitating behind him as he approached the Manor. Albus and Scorpius met him at the door. 

‘Hullo, Al, Scorp,’ Lysander murmured in his dreamy voice, his wide blue eyes focused away to the distance. ‘Got the cages you wanted. Trying to catch some crumple-horned snorkacks, are you? Mum says you can only find them in Sweden, you know. I suppose maybe a collector might have lost one or two over the years…’

Lysander trailed off, the cages crashing to the ground behind him, as his gaze drifted away and over to the side.

‘Er, sure,’ Albus said, straining to keep his voice level, ‘thanks, Xander.’ Albus adored Lysander, of course he did, they  _ all _ did, but it was difficult trying to get him to stay on topic  _ and _ grounded in reality at the same time. 

Lysander didn’t reply, just turned and walked away from them while humming quietly to himself, leaving the stack of cages behind on the marble Manor steps. 

Albus sighed. ‘Right, well, I suppose we better get these moved…’ He turned and came face to face with Scorpius, who had snuck up behind him and was poised over his neck, mouth open and fangs bared. ‘Scorpius!’

Scorpius made a strangled noise of alarm in his throat and backed away, hastily clamping his mouth shut so his fangs were hidden once more.

‘Seriously, Scorp, you need to get a grip on yourself,’ Albus huffed in annoyance.

They would have plenty of time to deal with Scorpius’ blood-sucking immortality once they had rid Britain of the vampiric cult threat. 

So far they had a good enough plan, Albus thought to himself as he sat at the gigantic kitchen table in the Manor, mentally ticking off items in his head. Solid plan-making in fact, especially as Lysander had fucked off completely after dropping off the cages, never returning to the Manor after he wandered off. 

Albus and Scorpius would set the cages in the caverns where they first stumbled across the vampires. They’d found another cave nearby with an enormous, open oculus in the ceiling. They would charm the cages with a Notice-Me-Not, set the blood lollipops down to lead a trail to them, and then, when the vampires were in the cages, BAM! They’d spell them locked and wait for the morning sunlight to come along, flood the oculus, and do the necessary damage, ridding wizard kind of the threat the evil bloodsuckers posed. 

The only problem with that, however, was that vampires have excellent eyesight, at least if Scorpius’ ability to see the fibres of book pages from across the room was anything to go by. They didn’t stand a chance of hiding away from the vampires.

Not without a little help.

‘We’re gonna need my dad’s old cloak for this plan to work,’ Albus decided, standing up and reaching out for Scorpius’ hand. 

Scorpius grumbled under his breath but allowed Albus to lead him to the Floo. Grabbing a handful of Floo powder, Albus called out ‘Grimmauld Place!’ and let the magic take them home. 

When they landed at the other end, Albus dropped Scorpius’ hand and walked through the fireplace. He turned around when he heard a whimper and a crash from behind him. Scorpius was sitting on his arse in the fire grate, clearly having landed there after ricocheting off something. 

‘Scorp, c’mon,’ Albus called. ‘No time for fucking around.’

‘Al, I can’t,’ Scorpius whined as he dragged himself back to his feet and hovered awkwardly just inside the fireplace. ‘You have to invite me in, I think? You know, like Buffy did with Angel in episode seven before she knew he was a vampire even though he had a soul at that point and—’

‘Merlin, Scorp,’ Albus cried in alarm. No one could stop Scorpius talking about _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ when he got on that track. ‘Just come the fuck in, and be quick about it.’

Disappointment clear on his face, Scorpius shut the fuck up and walked easily through the fireplace and into the house. 

‘Do you even know where your dad keeps his cloak?’ Scorpius asked, his voice sulky, and Albus nodded absent-mindedly. 

‘It’s hanging up in his study. Hasn’t used it for ages. Come on,’ Albus urged, leading them up the stairs to the first floor where Head Auror Harry Potter had his home office.

‘What if your dad’s here, Al?’ Scorpius asked with a tinge of worry to his voice. ‘Or your mum. What if they see me and try to stake me?’ 

‘First of all, no one is going to try and stake you, Scorp,’ Albus said in what he hoped was a calming voice. ‘Secondly, mum is away on training with the new Harpies line up, and dad is always at work. Same as yours.’

‘My dad’s not always at work anymore,’ Scorp said glumly, and Albus gave him an awkward pat on the shoulder. 

Draco and Hermione might be enjoying the Northern Lights right now, but Albus heard his mum and dad saying they were off to Morocco next. 

Sure enough, Harry’s cloak was hanging on the hook next to the door, and Albus grabbed it and stuffed it into his bag. When he turned around, he found Scorpius casually stroking one of his pointed fangs, and an idea popped into his head. 

‘Wait here,’ Albus said, before running up to his room at the top of the house. It only took him a few moments to find what he needed, stuffing it along with the cloak in his bag.

He’d use it later, he decided. 

If he needed to. 

####  III

They headed back to Malfoy Manor for the evening after their successful thievery from Grimmauld Place. 

It felt the safest place, Scorpius’ situation being what it was, with his dad away for the next few days. Albus returned to his temporary camp at the kitchen table, surrounded by his plans scrawled on parchment, as he drank an enormous cup of tea and read his way through one of the books on vampires he’d found in the Manor library. 

It really wasn’t looking good. It would appear that Scorpius really was now an ageless, immortal being, which meant he’d never really mature any further. 

The book was also quite firm that any bite to the neck, even if the fangs just scratched the surface, would turn another into a vampire. That would certainly make things a bit awkward in the bedroom, especially as his lover already had a proclivity for biting during sex. 

Deciding they should be concentrating on removing the vampire threat before working out how to have safe sex once again (his parents had never given him the talk about  _ this _ kind of sexual safety, that was for sure), Albus became aware of how suspiciously quiet the kitchen was. The whole house, come to think of it, had been worryingly quiet for quite a while.

Albus wandered out of the kitchen to look for Scorpius, hoping beyond hope he’d just settled for a nap or something, even if the book had been resolute about vampires being nocturnal (due to the fiery, painful death that daylight would cause them, for the main part). 

The Manor seemed entirely deserted except for Albus and the hundreds of Malfoy family portraits that glowered down at him. It didn’t matter that Albus was a Potter and Pureblood enough, the portraits had never forgiven him for his apparent blood traitoring. Draco had cast a Silencing charm on every single one after Albus and Scorpius started dating, a magnanimous act which paid great dividends when he first brought Hermione home. One thing the portraits hated more than a blood traitor was an actual Muggleborn. 

Albus eventually found Scorpius on the roof, of all places. 

Scorpius had dug up a black robe from somewhere and was launching himself into a series of more and more dramatic pirouettes on the dark slate tiles. 

‘What in Dracula’s name are you  _ doing _ ?’ Albus asked in exasperation, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Scorpius stumbled when he heard Albus’ voice, sprawling with very un-vampiric clumsiness onto the roof tiles.

‘Oh, Al, didn’t hear you there!’ Scorpius was breathless with effort, but his voice was excited. ‘I was trying to turn into a bat! Or a flock of bats. Is it called a flock of bats?’

‘It’s a colony of bats,’ Albus informed him, leaning forward to offer Scorpius a hand and pull him to his feet. ‘Or a cloud.’ 

Scorpius didn’t let go of Albus’ hand when he made it back to his feet, but he did throw Albus a puzzled look.

‘How do you know  _ that _ ?’ he asked suspiciously.

‘I heard Lysander and Rose argue about it in Care of Magical Creatures one time. Xander was insistent a group of bats was called a “tangle,” and Rose was trying to tell him otherwise. It was like trying to tell Professor Hagrid that dragons can’t be house trained, to be honest. You’ve got to admire Rose’s tenacity, if nothing else.’

‘Gets it from her mum,’ Scorpius said glumly. ‘You ought to hear Hermione when she lectures dad on house-elf rights.’

‘Well,’ Albus said with forced joviality, ‘at least you know when all this is done that Aunt Hermione will be fighting fang and claw for your rights as a vampire.’

‘I s’pose,’ Scorpius sighed, then he looked up to the night sky. When he turned back to Albus, his eyes, though creepy and red-tinged, were alight with excitement. ‘Why don’t you get up on my back, and I’ll jump off the roof and see if that does the trick?’

‘Absolutely not, you lunatic. Now come on, it’ll be dawn soon, and I don’t want to risk you bursting into flames or sparkling like a diamond. Either way, it’s going to hurt my eyes.’

Scorpius let himself be led down from the rooftop, and they walked back into the house. 

Albus stifled a yawn. 

It had been a long day in a longer week, and he was exhausted. It was prime time for him to lock Scorpius in the dungeons so Albus could safely go to bed. Albus was not keen to risk waking up in the middle of the night by his boyfriend turning him, after all. 

It wasn’t a long-term solution, however, and Albus turned with a sigh, a probably really stupid plan already forming in his head.

‘Scorp…’ he started, but when he turned he found Scorpius once again staring hungrily at his neck. 

Albus gulped, and Scorpius licked his lips.

‘Scorpius!’ Albus cried out, making Scorpius jump, the guilt evident on his face. ‘My eyes are up here.’

‘Sorry, sorry,’ Scorpius apologised, his eyes drifting down to gaze longingly at Albus’s carotid artery again. ‘It’s just… you smell so good. Maybe I could just have one, tiny bi—’

Before Scorpius could finish his sentence, Albus rolled his eyes and leaned forward to breathe right into Scorpius’ face. Scorpius turned green – well, as green as a vampire could turn – clamped his hands over his mouth and took a step back in alarm.

‘I had garlic for dinner,’ Albus said. ‘Now please, can we get over this?’

Scorpius threw him an injured look but shrugged in agreement. 

‘I think I know a way we can share a bed again,’ Albus started cautiously, and Scorpius’ creepy, red eyes lit up in delight. 

‘And have sex?’ Scorpius asked excitedly. ‘Come on, Al, please, it’s been like four whole days. I think I’ll die if I don’t get to fuck you again soon.’

Albus rolled his eyes. ‘You’re literally immortal now, Scorp. You  _ can’t _ die. As long as you can keep away from wooden stakes and sunlight, at least.’ 

Scorpius pouted, and Albus sighed. 

‘Come on then,’ Albus said resignedly, reaching out for Scorpius’ hand and leading him to the bedroom. 

Albus did let Scorpius fuck him in the end, but only after casting a Cushioning charm on his boyfriend’s canine teeth  _ and _ casting a Bubble-head charm on him for good measure. 

Scorpius sulked for the full minute it took Albus to strip himself naked, but quickly rallied when he caught sight of Albus’s cock, already hard despite his boyfriend’s trying several times to drain his blood until he died. 

Much to Scorpius’ dismay, he couldn’t suck on Albus’ dick through the Bubble-head charm, so he made do with fucking him from behind and mouthing desperately but uselessly at Albus’ neck. 

Afterwards they fell asleep in each other’s arms, the  _ Molliare _ and Bubblehead Charm still firmly in place.

####  IV

Albus and Scorpius sat together in companionable silence at breakfast the next morning, after their first night together since Scorpius was bitten. Having woken up still completely human, Albus had to admit his plan had been a success. Sadly, walking around with so many charms in place wasn’t an ideal solution for while Scorpius was awake, but Albus had his backup plan, the thing he’d taken from Grimmauld Place, just in case.

Albus took a long drink of his tea, trying not to be bothered by the tall glass of chilled dragon blood Scorpius was currently slurping through a straw. He had to accept that there were going to be changes in their lives, even after the vampires had been defeated. 

Lost in his own thoughts, Albus didn’t notice Scorpius put down his dragon blood until his voice piped up from the other side of the table.

‘I think I need to change my name.’

Albus scrunched his eyes up to try to stop the headache that was already forming in its tracks. No such luck. He sighed and looked up at Scorpius.

‘Come again?’

‘My name. Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy. It’s just not vampire-y enough, you know?’

Scorpius gazed mournfully into a silver hand-mirror that Albus knew was woefully free of a reflection. 

‘And what is a vampire-y name?’ Albus asked, not sure if he wanted an answer. Really, he should see if Draco had any pain-killing potions in his stash for this headache.

‘It’s got to be alliterative, I reckon,’ Scorpius mused, tilting his head into the blank mirror. ‘You know, Vincent Valentine. Carlisle Cullen. Even if I take your name when we get married, it’s not going to work.’

Here, Albus spluttered out his mouthful of tea, seeing as he and Scorpius had yet to discuss the idea of marriage. I mean, sure, Albus assumed they would get hitched sooner rather than later, but surely something as serious as that demanded an actual conversation? Especially now considering the age difference they would eventually end up with?

Undeterred, Scorpius continued. ‘It’s either alliteration or a single name. Spike. Blade. Madonna.’

Albus gave Scorpius a long, hard look, not entirely sure if he were joking.

‘Scorp,’ he said, cautiously. ‘Madonna isn’t a vampire.’

Scorpius’ red-tinged eyes widened in surprise. ‘She’s not? I just assumed… how come she hasn’t aged in about a hundred years then?’

Albus shook his head in despair. 

‘Anyway,’ Scorpius continued. ‘Maybe just Scorpius would do the trick. What d’ya think, Al? Would you be scared if you heard my name like that? SCORPIUS.’

Albus smiled weakly. ‘Sure, love,’ he said. ‘Terrified.’

Scorpius looked satisfied, finally putting his hand mirror down as a lost cause.

‘What’s the plan for today, Al?’ He asked kindly, and Albus just sighed. 

‘We go and set up the cages and try out our plan. We need to get everything sorted at twilight when it’s safe for you to go out and the vampires start hunting; then we need to make sure we get you safely away from there before dawn.’

Scorpius was nodding solemnly along, and he took another slurp of blood through his straw like it was a breakfast smoothie. Albus’ stomach turned slightly, and he pushed away his own mug of tea.

It looked like his slight distaste of blood was another thing Albus would have to get over in this new relationship landscape.

They spent a long day in each other’s company. Albus got fed up of Scorpius following him around the Manor while giving his neck none-too-furtive glances with hungry eyes. Albus sat Scorpius in front of the enormous flatscreen in one of the drawing rooms (after all, when Draco did anything, even something Muggle, he did the biggest and the best of it he could) and put on _The Vampire Diaries_ for him to binge on.

Soon enough, they were ready to leave, but when Albus turned around to find Scorpius  _ yet again _ looming behind him with fangs bared, he huffily went to their room and rummaged through his bag, bringing out his backup plan. 

His old Slytherin school scarf, which Albus now wound tightly around his neck, despite the balmy temperature of British midsummer. A hot neck was a small price to pay, after all. 

With the scarf in place and a  _ Molliare _ charm recast just to be sure, Albus pulled his dad’s Invisibility cloak around himself and Scorpius. They made their way to the caverns with pockets full of shrunken down cages and blood-flavoured lollipops - although Albus did notice three were missing when he counted them out again.

Nevertheless, there were enough of the sweets left to lay out the trail to the cages. They charmed the cages with the Notice-Me-Nots, and with everything in place, Scorpius and Albus hid under the Invisibility cloak and waited.

It wasn’t long after twilight when the vampires turned up, chattering away excitedly as they scooped up armfuls of lollipops. When they were all in the cages, Albus waved his wand and cast  locking charms on all of them. As the vampires realised what had happened and started rattling the bars of the cages angrily, Albus and Scorpius escaped under the cover of their cloak. 

When Albus left Scorpius asleep in bed the next day and made his way back to the caverns, he didn’t find piles of vampiric ash in the cages like he expected. 

Instead he found a note written on parchment in elegant copperplate script - typical vampires, he thought to himself. 

_ Nice try, you pesky kids. What, did you think we were reborn yesterday? It will take more than a simple locking charm to keep us trapped. But since you seem to have a death wish, we’ll make this easy for you. Midnight, the full moon this month. We fight to the death. Bring your friends if you like, the more the merrier, really. Toodles! _

####  V

It was a week until the full moon.

Even if it did feel a terrible idea taking advice from a bunch of murderous, villainous vampires, Albus did what they said and invited all of their friends to Malfoy Manor.

Rose Granger-Weasley arrived first, giving Albus a very confused look when he opened the door for her. 

‘What is it?’ Albus asked, looking down at himself. ‘ _ Oh _ .’

It was probably the thick, winter scarf in Slytherin green and silver wrapped around his neck in the middle of summer. To be fair, Albus was sweating profusely beneath the scratchy, woollen monstrosity, but he had stolen this one from Scorpius’ trunk so that at least it smelled reassuringly of him. 

Scorpius himself skulked alongside Albus, arms crossed as he sulked at the continued rescinded access to Albus’ neck. 

Albus looked from Rose to Scorpius and back again.

‘Why don’t you come in?’ he said to Rose, beckoning her forward. ‘We have a lot to tell you.’

Turquoise-haired Teddy Lupin followed soon after with the beautiful and elegant Victoire Weasley, sitting as close to her as he could in the kitchen. 

Albus’ older brother, James, arrived and sat at the table with the same crooked smile on his face that their father Harry often wore. Soon after him, their sister, Lily, and Rose’s brother, Hugo, arrived and sat down with him. 

Even Lysander Scamander had managed to come back down to earth for long enough to join them with his twin brother, Lorcan, both of them staring dreamily around the kitchen where Albus had made his basecamp.

The others all looked up at Albus, pacing uncertainly in front of them, and Scorpius, who stood quietly - for once - to one side. 

‘So, Scorpius is an actual vampire now?’ Lily said, her eyes wide as she looked over at Scorpius. 

He gave a nervous smile, his fangs flashing in the dull light of the kitchen. 

‘Yeah, but we’ll deal with that later,’ Albus said, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rose pull out a roll of parchment and a quill. She was already scribbling notes. ‘Rose, what-’

‘It’s okay, Al,’ Rose said, a little breathless with indignation. ‘I’m going to spearhead Scorpius’ campaign. We’ll make badges; I’ll get a petition drawn up. Scorpius is going to have exactly the same rights as a vampire he did as a wizard. Mark my words,’ she added, her eyes flashing angrily in a way that reminded Albus unnervingly of Aunt Hermione. Silently he thanked the gods again for Draco Malfoy’s stringent rules on wooing, and for the fact that he and Hermione were still in Reykjavik instead of being here getting in their way. 

‘That’s great, Rose,’ Albus said, trying his best to give her a smile. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate Rose’s zeal, and her blind acceptance of Scorpius’ undead status, but they had a more pressing matter to deal with. ‘But let’s focus on how to get rid of the evil vampire coven first, yeah?’ 

Rose just arched an eyebrow and pursed her lips, not stopping her scribbling on her parchment. Albus gave a deep sigh, knowing they’d lost her to the cause. He turned instead to the others.

‘I just need your help with a plan,’ Albus said, reaching out for Scorpius’ hand. It was cold, all of Scorpius had been cold since he’d turned, but it was still  _ Scorpius _ . He was still the one thing that could calm Albus down. ‘That’s all, me and Scorp will face the vampires alone, but I need help working out how to defeat them.’

Lily gave her brother a hard stare. 

‘As if we’re letting you walk into that alone, Al,’ Lily said with a scoff, and from her other side, James nodded in agreement.

‘Aunt Dromeda would kill me if anything happened to any of you,’ Teddy added, leaning back casually in his chair. He gave Victoire a flash of a conspiratorial smile. ‘Besides, everyone knows vampires are mortally afraid of werewolves. If we’re fighting on the full moon, me and Vic will have enough wolfishness bleeding through to put them ill at ease.’

Albus hadn’t really considered that, but Teddy made a good point. Still, he didn’t want any of them to get hurt - or worse - because of him. 

‘Look, I don’t want to force any of you to come along,’ he tried one more time. ‘If anything happened to any of you…’

‘I think we get to make that decision for ourselves, actually,’ Lorcan said mildly, staring at a point just past Albus’ ear. Lysander was nodding in agreement.

Scorpius squeezed Albus’ hand.

‘Thank you,’ Albus said, dangerously close to tears. What had he done to deserve such a dedicated, selfless group of friends? Was it something in their blood, something inherited from their Order of Phoenix parents? 

Either way, knowing his best friends were going to be at their side gave Albus a burst of courage and inspiration.

‘Excellent, okay, so Teddy and Victoire can be on distraction duty. Maybe we can send you on ahead, get you to lay your scent around the battlefield to distract them.’

Scorpius, who until now had been quite subdued, perked up suddenly. ‘Like in  _ Eclipse _ !’ He shouted excitedly. ‘When Bella goes on ahead with Edward and lays down a blood trail for the vampire newborns to fol—’

Albus clamped his hand over Scorpius’ mouth, carefully avoiding his fangs, in an attempt to silence him before he went too far off on a  _ Twilight _ talk again. 

‘Yes, yes, something like that, Scorp,’ Albus hastily agreed.

‘Lorcan and I can bring along a heliopath,’ Lysander said, looking up at the ceiling as he spoke. 

Albus gave Scorpius a puzzled look, but his boyfriend just shrugged, a confused look on his own face.

‘A heliopath is a spirit of fire,’ Rose informed them from behind her parchment. It looked like she was already on two feet of notes for her  _ Equal Rights for Scorpius _ plan. ‘They’re said to gallop along and consume anything in their path.’

Lysander turned in his seat, looking Rose straight in the eye. ‘Exactly,’ he said, his face lighting up.

‘They also happen to be completely imaginary,’ Rose added coldly. 

Lysander’s face turned sad, and he shrank in his seat, although Lorcan just gave a snort of laughter as if finding Rose’s words ridiculous. 

‘Okay, Xander, Lorc, a heliopath would be wonderful, thank you,’ Albus said quickly, not wanting any in-fighting to break out. ‘Although - can you be sure it won’t try and destroy  _ us _ ?’

Lorcan gave Albus a reassuring smile that didn’t falter even as Rose snorted while writing her third foot of parchment. ‘Of course, Albus. We’ll give it clear instructions.’

As one, Lysander and Lorcan stood up.

‘Where are you going?’ Albus asked in alarm as they walked away. 

‘We have to go and make an offering of Turkish delight to the dawn sun if we stand a chance of bringing a heliopath along,’ Lysander explained, and together they wandered off.

‘Right, well, just in case the imaginary, uncontrollable fire-spirit plan doesn’t work,’ James said with a smirk that would make even Scorpius’ dad proud. ‘Me, Lily and Rose will be there with our wands and some strong  _ Lumos _ spells.’ 

Albus gave his older brother a grateful smile. ‘Thanks, everyone,’ he said. ‘Our parents had to face Voldemort, and our grandparents had to face - well, also Voldemort. But they beat their enemies, and if they can do it, why not us?’

####  VI

The evening of the full moon dawned. 

Wait, dawned? That doesn’t make sense.

The evening of the full moon rose.

In the kitchen of Malfoy Manor, Albus, Scorpius and most of their friends were gathered. 

Draco and Hermione were in Morocco this time, and Albus idly wondered when either of them were getting any work done. Nevertheless, it meant the manor was empty and free from prying eyes once again. 

Lysander and Lorcan hadn’t turned up at all, but no one was really worried. They’d turn up when they were ready, or not at all.

Rose was wearing a bright pink ‘ _Rights for Scorpius_ ’ badge pinned to her top, and the way her bag jangled suggested she would be giving out badges to everyone by the time the night was over. 

Teddy and Victoire had already gone on ahead to the meeting place, and Albus was quietly confident the distraction would work. They’d both been decidedly more wolfish than normal, and even Scorpius had winced when he caught their scent on the air and cowered behind Albus, refusing to meet their eyes. 

‘Let’s just make sure we watch each other’s backs out there, okay?’ Albus was saying now. They split into pairs: Albus and Scorpius, James and Hugo, Lily and Rose. Teddy and Victoire would join them for the fight, and Lysander and Lorcan if they ever showed up. 

They’d fight in pairs, one half shielding and one half attacking, and all Albus could do was pray they’d all survive. 

Albus looked around now, at his best friends and siblings, and turned to Scorpius to kiss him. He found Scorpius surreptitiously unwinding the Slytherin scarf around Albus’ neck, his fangs bared in an excited smile. Albus huffed and swatted Scorpius’ hand away. 

Albus had watched Scorpius with the others since telling them what had happened, but it was clear the only neck he had any interest in biting was Albus’. Part flattered and part exasperated, Albus rewound the scarf and turned to the others.

‘Let’s do this thing.’

Albus, Scorpius and their friends reached the field before the vampires and paired off, wands raised and ready. There was no sign of the twins, but Teddy and Victoire joined them, eyes glowing wolfishly under the full summer moon. Scorpius whimpered and hid behind Albus again. 

‘It’s okay, Scorp,’ Albus comforted him. ‘Remember how Bella and Edward were friends with Jacob and Seth? You don’t have to be scared of them.’

‘Thanks Al,’ Scorpius whispered, not coming out from behind him. 

Albus turned as he heard a rustle from in front of them, wand raised, and sure enough the coven had arrived. 

The front vampire smiled evilly, red eyes flashing in the moonlight, and spread his arms wide.

‘You brought your friends to play,’ the vampire said in delight. ‘It will be good to have a snack after we’ve beaten you. Especially such young, delicious—’ here the vampire took a deep, relishing breath, and a second later clamped his hand over his mouth. 

‘Sweet mother of Vlad,’ he hissed, taking a step backwards. ‘Did you bring  _ werewolves _ to the fight?’

‘That is decidedly unsportsmanlike,’ a vampire from further back shouted.

Teddy stepped forward with a growl, Victoire stalking forward next to him.

‘We are not werewolves,’ Victoire said, her French-accented voice clear and ringing in the night.

‘Yeah,’ Teddy agreed, although he shifted his face into a wolf and back again, making one of the vampires - and Scorpius - squeak in alarm. ‘We’re werewolf-adjacent,’ he added with a snarl. 

The vampires gave each other wary glances, but the lead vamp stepped forward, confidence clear on his face.

‘Werewolf-adjacent or not, baby wixen, we will beat you and feast on your blood this evening. Then tomorrow, we take over the entire country, and all your friends and family will become our slaves.’

Albus raised his wand higher and felt the soft caress of magic as Scorpius raised a shield around both of them as planned. From his side he saw his friends do the same in their pairs. 

‘Brave little ones,’ the vampire smiled. ‘And yet doomed.’ 

With that the vampires snarled and surged forward, and Albus opened his mouth to cast the first spell.

Before a single incantation could leave his lips, a furious column of fire blazed into the clearing, making vampires and wizards alike leap back from the heat and the fury it brought.

‘What the fuck?’ Albus cried out, taking a step back and barrelling into Scorpius’ arms. 

‘It’s okay, Albus!’ Lysander’s voice called above the crackling and hissing of the fire, and he and Lorcan strolled into view as their heliopath galloped towards the terrified vampires who had turned and were trying to run away. 

‘We found the heliopath. It liked the Turkish delight, so it’s here to help us,’ Lorcan added, giving a needless nod towards the angry fire-spirit that was currently engulfing the vampires and turning them into piles of vampire dust. 

Albus, Scorpius and the others just watched in disbelief as the heliopath fought their battle for them. 

Within a few minutes, all the vampires were vanquished. The heliopath turned back to them, and Albus tried to hide his wince from the heat that radiated from it. 

‘Thanks, Bob,’ Lorcan said mildly, and Albus hissed at Scorpius to be quiet when he giggled. 

’No problem, boys,’ the heliopath spoke with a voice that was crackly and rasping like a bonfire. ‘Tell your mum I said “hi.”’

With that the heliopath turned and disappeared into the darkness. Around Albus, his friends and family started whopping in delight and hugging each other.

Flush with the victory of battle, his mind still reeling from the adrenaline, Albus pulled at the silver and green scarf wrapped tightly around his neck. Really, it was far too hot for wearing a woollen scarf, especially in such close proximity to a  _ heliopath _ of all things, why had he even worn – 

Albus’ thoughts were interrupted by the sharp scrape of teeth against his pulse point, and he whipped his head around in alarm but couldn’t shake his attacker. He could just see the flash of pale gold that was Scorpius’ hair. 

Albus groaned in exasperation when he felt Scorpius’ teeth finally sink into his neck.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, Scorpius.’

**Author's Note:**

> **This work is part of the ongoing HP Crack!Fic Fest 2020.**
> 
> Please feel free to leave kudos/comments for the author here, or on our communities at [LJ](https://hpcrackficfest.livejournal.com/)/[DW](https://hpcrackficfest.dreamwidth.org/)/[Tumblr](https://hpcrackficfest.tumblr.com/).


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